So I have decided that it has been way too long since I have posted anything, and I know that it has been very clear that I am full of empty promises regarding my blog, BUT I promise to try to post a new blog every other day or so from here on out, I have made it one of my New years Resolution! .... let's ignore that I am already a month behind, yes? OK! Great. So if there is anyone out there who has read all of my 4-5 posts, I am sorry for the wait. It is just hard for me to get into something when I feel like no one is actually reading it! lol which mostly true, but like I said earlier - I am going to do this for myself. It is actually relaxing to do this, it's like an online journal! lol Probably not the best thing in the world, but it will do for now.
So, where to begin?? SOOO much has changed sine my last post, I don't even know where to start. (Sound familiar -->October 19, 2010?) I am just going to start with what is current, because if I talked about everything that has happened within the last couple of months I would have to type for about 5 days straight before I finished. Halloween was ok, Trey's birthday went great! (got him a lot of nice gifts that I get to use too lol), my birthday was even better -- turned 21!! Christmas was amazing, and new years was..... well. Horrible. but I don't want to get into it lol.
Now that all the holidays are out of the way, let me begin with the dilemmas in my life as of right now. Remember how I got that puppy back in September? Well he is almost full grown now, Olive is 6 months old and so cute! Seriously I love him to death. his personality is so cute and he kind of reminds me of myself. lol. He is amazing. Getting Olive was one of the best decisions I have made.
he is adorable right! So he is not really a dilemma lol, I just had to mention him first.
K, so back on track. If anyone has talked to me recently, you would know that I am planning on moving in with my boyfriend Trey (which everyone has pretty much felt the need to voice their opinion about it being a horrible idea!) and I have mixed feelings about it. As you may or may not know, Trey and I have had a rocky relationship. We fight, make up, fight, make up, fight, fight, fight, then make up. It is a never ending cycle that makes me feel like I am living the same day over and over again. Lately, (the last few months) things between us have been extremely good. We have not fought at all, he seemed to trust me and stop questioning what i was telling him and actually believe me and so forth. So I know that our relationship has matured a lot very quickly recently - which is great! But in the back of my mind I still worry. because when we do fight, the fights are never about anything new. They are always about the same thing. If Trey ever read this he would be so mad at me lol but hey. He doesn't. So, basically what it comes down to is Trey has some trust and relationship issues that stems from his last relationship before me. He was cheated on, as so many of us have too - but the difference is is that he cannot get over what happened to him. He will not allow himself to trust anyone, including his own family. He is always questioning everything in his life and I am a big part of his life. It doesn't matter where I am, who I am with, what I am doing - if he is not with me he won't believe what i tell him. I can be in my own house with my own family watching Sponge Bob Squarepants with my little brother and sister and he will start to develop a hernia from worrying that I am lying to him and Im actually somewhere else.... I know. It's a major problem and a major strain on our relationship. But I am a patient person and I have been very willing to deal with all of this extra drama that I do not need in addition to my already dramatic (it feels like) life.
Anyways, so some things have come up and Trey and I have been talking about moving in for a while, probably the past couple of months. And now that it is kind of happening sooner than we planned, I am excited about it but I am also nervous about it. I know Trey better than anyone, and everyone who I talk to only knows the stuff that I choose to vent about so they form an opinion about our relationship and what the best thing is for me and so of course they think that moving in together is not the best idea in the world. But here's my side of it. I love Trey, more than anything in the entire world (as cheesy as that is, it's the best way I can describe how much I care about him) and I know he has his trust issues, but within the course of our relationship he has improved. And I know he really does want to stop fighting about petty things, but a part of me is concerned that it will never really get better. He knows he has some things to work on, but he is convinced that I also have trust issues too and that I am part of the problem - which I will testify that this statement is completely not true. I may be insecure about myself, but I do not let that affect my relationship. I trust Trey, despite everything that I have gone through too. I don't feel the need to go through his phone everyday, or to rethink what he is really telling me, or get the feeling that he is not really where he says he is. I don't have the trust issues, it is totally him. I think where I come into play with our problems is that I kind of fuel the fire. I tend to dump 10 gallons of gasoline on the campfire, and as you could imagine a small glow turns into trapping Bambi and Thumper in a forest fire (I just watched Bambie with my little sister.. lol). Over time, my patience with the petty fights and the same worries has become short fused, to the point where I just agree and would rather not argue about it even though what he is saying is the furthest from the truth. I feel like after being together for a year and a half, that we should be wayyyyyyyyy past this. These are the kind of things that you worry about when you first start to date, not a year and a half later. But back to what I was saying, I know that if we moved in together things would get so much better so quickly. My doubts are coming from the fact that I don't want our relationship to get better because he will know where I am when I say I am home, because that is not building each other's trust. That is just him knowing where I am and feeling comfortable because I am in our house. I want our relationship to have a strong backbone, him not working on his issues will just keep it flimsy and the slightest nudge could make it completely topple over.
I just have so much to think about, because he has improved a lot recently, and those kinds of fights are of the past. I know that our relationship is MUCH healthier than before and so I am not worried about taking the next step with him, because honestly I have wanted to for a while now and I am SO excited about it. It has been all I can think about lately. It is just hard to stay excited about something and not doubt my decisions when everyone is telling me not to do it, and my parents are in the same boat. They are more against it more so because they are just not comfortable with me moving in with my boyfriend, but tough. That's life, I am 21 and they need to just suck it up. It will happen eventually, whether I am 21, 23, 36 or 40. They are always going to be over protective of me and they just need to get used to the fact that I am not 6 anymore. ( my mom cried when my 23 year old brother moved out for the SECOND time after graduating from college... and that's just scratching the surface of my mother's attachment to us) admittedly, it is hard for me to do something that my parents do not approve of, because I would not be where I am today without them. They sacrificed so much and have worked so hard to give me what they have, so it's hard for me to be that selfish and do something anyways even though they don't approve of it -- but i feel like my situation is different. So that is what allows me to decide to move in with him anyways. I have a boyfriend, not a girlfriend. My brothers can get married, so it is different for them to move in with their girlfriend.. so when will it be acceptable for me to move in with my boyfriend? When I get married?? See? It's not the same for me - at least not yet.
ANYWAYS, after ALL that rambling, I just wish I had someone on my side. Even my best friend Sara is hesitant about the decision, and she knows EVERYTHING. I know that you are probably thinking this is a horrible idea too, especially after reading what I just wrote above me. lol believe me, it sounds a lot worse than it really is. Let me sum it up .. Trust is NEEDED in a relationship. You have to have it, or the relationship will not work out. And we are working on it, it is just taking a little longer. I have honestly never met anyone in my life who has sincerely cared about me as much as he does, I know our love for each other is real - and that is something you just give up on. Eventually you have to throw in the towel if nothing changes, but we haven't been together very long. So there is still plenty of room to improve and to mature together in our relationship. I mean we are both still young, we still have some growing up to do.
Well, if anyone actually reads this it would be great to get some input on the situation. I just have a lot to juggle right now. I think I have been so focused on it and stressing myself out about it so much lately because I have been really sad. I don't know why! i feel like I am alone. I barely talk to my friends or see them, which other factors go into that too. And I feel like I never see my brothers anymore, I am always at the house alone. I am the only one who lives there now. I have Trey, and he is everything to me, he is enough for me. But I need the other people in my life too. And he gets mad at me, he doesn't understand that about me.he feels like he should be enough for me to be happy, and he is. But I also need my close friends and family and I have been feeling really distant from everyone lately. Im sure its not completely true and it is just me being a Debbie Downer, but these past couple of days i have been feeling pretty sad. I know a part of it is that my really good friend Katie is moving to Texas and I am going to miss her sooooo much, she doesn't even know. I just feel sad! lol I don't really know why. I am thinking too much, school needs to keep me busier! I have too much time to think this semester!
Anyways, now that this blog has turned into a depressing one lol here are some recent pictures of me and Trey and everything that has been going on within the past couple of weeks!
Hope you guys enjoyed this post, I promise I am going to start posting more often AND they will not be even a tenth of the length this one was.
Ciao!
